Listen: A powerful new book about life, death, relationships, mental health and how to talk about what matters – from the Sunday Times bestselling author ... to Find the Words for Tender Conversations

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When I started reading this, I was a few weeks into my current placement where I have been working with individuals with social and emotional mental health needs and adverse childhood experiences. I was so worried that I would say the wrong things to these people and cause further upset in their life that I didn't stop to think about what they might say to me and how my response could potentially have a similar effect. Tenderness seemed to be to be a word that described that willingness to sit in a place of discomfort alongside somebody… It’s the language of gentleness and companionship, rather than armour and fear.” Why is it important to be tender? So that's my list of books about listening that I have found useful. The difference between active vs passive listening is that we don't just sit there nodding, never responding or asking questions. We engage with the speaker, showing empathy and understanding and letting them know that we are present and aware. From the best-selling author of With the End in Mind , this is a book about the conversations that matter and how to have them better - more honestly, more confidently and without regret.

Kathryn’s uncle would set a place for his wife who had died and talk to her during mealtimes. “He described to me the comfort he got from talking to her and of ritualising her presence in the house,” she states. He knew his wife was gone, and missed her every day, but when he talked to her, he felt her presence. As well as what to do, Mannix draws our attention on things to avoid, such as judgementalism, suspending any different values, and not insisting but inviting a conversation. There is a necessary and particular focus on steering away from the idea of 'fixing' the problems of others, sometimes things cannot be fixed, and anyway answers must come from those who own their specific issues, they must be the architects of their own solutions. Difficult conversations can be a minefield of high emotions, disorientation and distress, requiring sensitivity to the perspectives, pain and vulnerability of others and the need to have the talk at an appropriate time and in a safe place. Prescriptive methodologies are to be avoided, instead curiosity, deeper listening and open exploration are the key for understanding and becoming better at having those challenging conversations. A child coming out to their parent. A family losing someone to terminal illness. A friend noticing the first signs of someone's dementia. A careers advisor and a teenager with radically different perspectives.If you are left feeling unsettled by a conversation, remember to treat yourself kindly. Some people take five minutes to walk outdoors or to focus on their breathing. These “mindful moments” help us to recentre ourselves. Confidential debriefing with someone else can also be a helpful practice. You get a sense in this book of the healing that takes place when a person feels that they are being heard. It's also good at explaining the difference between active vs passive listening skills. It also helps you understand the concepts described, allowing you to become a more engaged listener It is often really difficult to have ‘difficult’ (what Mannix beautifully terms ‘tender’) conversations. I think we all naturally want to be fixers so we often try to reassure the other person or say things that are far from helpful, leaving the other person feel unheard and often finding the situation they are in even more challenging. Mannix writes about the lost art of listening. How silence is not necessarily a bad thing and how to really hear what the other person is saying. It helped me to make so much sense of why I am drawn to certain types of people and can be both vulnerable and built up in their presence, while I automatically shut down in front of others. It gave some great vocabulary for patterns of communication I’ve seen over the years.

When we're trying to talk to our teenagers and they don't want our advice, it's because we're telling, not asking." she said. "It's because we're imposing, not inviting. So this isn't just about medical conversations. This is how we deal with each other when the stakes are high and how that works in conversations right across life." Here are five tips she offers to anyone who is faced with leading a challenging conversation. 1. Start with a cup of tea

A big mistake is trying to fix the other person's problems or offer false reassurances: "If you feel 'at least' coming out of your mouth, it doesn't matter what else you're going to say. It's the wrong thing to say," Mannix said. Helping them to look on the bright side is a well-intentioned, but hopeless and potentially hurtful strategy, she said. Avoid phrases like, "At least your wife has a job" or "at least you're young enough to get pregnant again," she said. Actually, my contribution to them is my time, my listening, my kindness, my determination to not get in the way offering my own fixes that are not the right fixes for that person.” It’s OK to take comfort from talking to someone who has died Be compassionate for her situation but do not make the mistake of asking yourself how the situation would affect you if she were your sister, your friend, yourself. Your own sorrows will come in good time; don't be in a hurry for them.’ Loneliness Powerful, humane and wise’ JULIA SAMUEL ‘Everyone should read it’ NIGELLA LAWSON ‘Beautiful ... This is a book for everyone. You feel held by it’ PHILIPPA PERRY Most of us have a conversation we’re avoiding.

Because talking about death won’t make it happen. But not talking about it robs us of choices and moments that will not come again”Her book comes out at a very important time as so many have had to face ideas of mortality with the pandemic, when there are many more unwell people right now and when increasingly people are struggling with their mental health. The book is told mostly through a series of case studies that range from conversations with relative

I found Kathryn Mannix’s previous book ‘With the End in Mind” excellent, and very helpful to me personally, so I was very keen to read “Listen”. While her first book was about understanding and dealing with death, this book is about how to talk about all different kinds of traumatic and difficult subjects, areas requiring delicate approaches – what the author describes as ‘tender conversations’. The author, Dr Kathryn Mannix, started her career in cancer care and then moved into palliative care. She is honest and real in this book and give examples of how she got things wrong early in her career when talking to people in traumatic situations. She then explains how those conversations could have been so much better for all concerned. By asking curious questions during tender conversations we can seek, explore and clarify information.I finished this book at the start of the week and have taken a few days to start really digesting it. I am sure, even though it is only March, this is going to be one of the stand out books of the year for me. Kathryn Mannix is our modern-day prophet … This is an essential book for anyone interested in themselves and their fellow humans’Greg Wise - Giving a time warning is helpful if you know one or other of you needs to finish the discussion soon. “Thank you” is a good note to finish on: even in a disagreement, giving thanks for their honesty and time shows appreciation and respect. Your disagreement need not become a ruptured relationship. Look after yourself